Guess what? Just late at night, coming back from a long beer night, pretty alcoholized... but pretty kindred. I just decided to browse around the gay blogs in tripod before writing my last note of the day, not myself a beginner in blogs but today just started a new one... again in the same good old tripod... then I stumbled upon your g(r)ay matter kind of thing and I felt some kind of familiary with most of your writing but specially (as of today) with "who wants a wedding? Not me".
A few weeks ago my boyfriend and me went to a wedding, a Jewish wedding... just like any other wedding, the brother of one of his friends was to get "happily married". Weddings are always moments that make me think about life in general, not exactly my own life.. but the whole thing in general.
A few years ago, just like any other gay teenager in the Western world (I was raised up in a Dutch family) I used to look at gay marriage as the ultimate aspiration in my life, like a goal, a bottom line.... years later I had the chance to live with a man, to whom I was almost married... and that very experience made me realize how unrealistic those ultimate dreams are... now things are very different.
I think the reluctance to marry kind of thing doesn't necessarily have to do with you being gay, but it might have a part on it. Gays are certainly more immature and less commitable than heterosexual men in general, that's for sure. Even less steady, less self-secure and less interested in settling down... just remember (as much as I do) the old days will come. Yeah being gay releases you from being normal, but doesn't exempt you from life undefinitely. Nothing really does.
I think no one really posseses the qualities to make a marriage work, since most of them are just learnt overtime but I do reckon some background must be present, some willingness and a few other things. Probably very different to those you need to make a successful heterosexual marriage.
Today I met a Russian friend for a beer session, surprisingly she confessed me that she'd learnt a lot from gay relationships for her own relationships and that somehow she'd learnt to think like a gay, not a bad thing though. Just in keypoints such as I don't really need to marry and comply with conventions to achieve happiness, sometimes when you feel you don't fit with someone you can simply walk away, the manly side of women, the feminine side of men, and many others.
That made me think about how possitive inasmuch as negative it is being gay, having more or less challenges according to the generation you belong to. You've got some issues? That doesn't really affect marriage itself, probably yours, but not the thing itself.
I agree marriage is mostly a validation of people's love and I find it pretty unnecessary, you can be married without the need to sign a contract or make a big party that you'll be paying back for the next 5 years. I'm not sure if true gay love means more than most marriages, but I'd rather say it's as meaningful as successful marriages. Successful marriages (at least the ones I've seen in the last years) are based on those premises of gay relationships (of successful ones)or maybe it's just the other way around. The lack of official ties is what makes gay love such a rewarding and frustrating experience. Yeah you're bonded to anyone by law and that makes your convivence very dynamic, but we are also men.... no children, no mortgage, no parents in law... once day you're just sick and you can just walk away, can't you? (Most of us do I think).
I have a boyfriend I totally adore, he's probably the best boyfriend I ever had and he really likes me, he rather adores me. Probably one of the few persons I've ever got along really well in my life and very important too, one of the few persons who have been able to put up to my intellectual level. I'm extremely attracted to him and he makes me very happy. Yet I don't want to spend all day with him, I want to see other friends, work on my dissertation with the pursuance to become a doctor one day, I don't want to live with him and I don't want to meet his mother everyweek, it doesn't mean I'm less in love with him.
Somehow I'd like to think he might be the love of my life, as he's a really amazing guy.. but somehow I also know he's not, not because he's not good enough just because we're both unsettled and liking it very much I think, and probably I'm just too young for that. Still there's a lot of fish in the sea you know....
I also want to have as many anonymous sex partners as I can, to taste all the sizes and all the types ;-) but does that mean I have to lead astray the opportunity to achieve some level of happiness and relative emotional stability during a certain period of time? Not really... probably it's just a matter of growing up and realizing men are men and our physiology is underdeveloped, even when our gay female instincts refuse to think it so. I've met a couple of hot guys with whom I haven't been able to have sex, it doesn't mean I won't be able in the future, and the number of lousy fuck dates my boyfriend has doesnt say anything about his love, in the end of the day I guess there's a difference between screwing an ass and making love.
I'm not against marriage, neither I support it. Inasmuch as I don't believe in black and white, I believe the world can be a very comfortable place to live in if we accept all the different scales of g(r)ay.
Ari
PD: I forgot to say, he calls me sweetly "wife", still I work, pay my own bills, pursue an academic career, have my own friends and probably also an active sexual life. Does it make me a lousy wife? I don't think so.
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