Thursday, September 30, 2004


A few things to add to the last note

1. I'm deeply troubled by such highly personal notes, for the real recipient of what was meant to be said there (yet unsaid, in between the lines you know) is not very likely to read it, he might be not ever interested in doing so, plus the language is already a limitation. Too much of a higher-tier for him.

2. In the book of Naomi Ragen I actually sympathize very much with Dina Reich, but she's a pretty weak figure, isn't she? I really she's detestable but probably I'll like her much more towards the end, I liked her mother a lot more she's already gone. The one I truely like is Chaya Leah and her Moishe, they really amuse me. Life couldn't be any more pathetic and dysfunctional. I must confess I have a terribly sympathy for the haredi world, maybe because I envy their unawareness of those little things I'm always talking about in my writing. That's why I think I don't like Dina, she's too aware in my taste and too banal, superficial, I pity her just on account of the same reasons why I would pity myself. Fortunately the wife of the journalist and Dina never met, they'd have hated each other with pure loving hate, with authentic timeless hatred. I wonder if they'll meet in wife's bereavement therapy? Sounds like a cool idea. When I finish the book I'll be a good kid and try to work with Naomi's suggested questions for discussions. I'll publish them here of course, where else?

3. I'm not in bereavement therapy anymore, for I'm not good at mourning. I forget it every single minute. I think I should change the strategy, maybe passive-aggresiveness is a more urgent personal issue at the time. Let Dina Reich elucidate.

4. I truely hate to think that the things I despise and detest the most about him are the reasons why I really like him, it's so sickening. I mean, I really feel like a writer when such thoughts cross my mind, too elevated for my oversexualized nature. It's a dead end anyway, it's not heading anywhere and it hurts terribly, but remember I'm in permanent denial, no one should know it other than my pintoresque characters. I just need to be more proefficient, smile more, smile, smile, smile, fake it till I make it. Yeah I know, it doesn't really work, but I can try. It sounds to me (and to my imagination even more) that this story will be long and complicated. Now I even put a dull lover in the middle, can I get any worse? I'm so scared to think dreams can come true, at least this time.

5. I can't believe I'm having such chill-out mood after the loss of the note, I think I need to crawl a bit more into my shallowness to make the real core come out of me, maybe this wasn't strong enough. I should start depicting myself with more touch of evil, it really suits me. Look at my life, can you?


No comments: