Thursday, July 24, 2003

personal note, 01:08 am

Personal note
Wanderings from the caffeine mirror

Usless lives like an electric can opener living with a wireshrine; alcoholic idealizations of a better world, laughs and smiles in prefabricated sun glasses' cases. Talks of better days gone long behind driving to La Riviera, the longings and the belongings... what do we know what places? what do we know about geography? what do we know about questions? i used to have a white doll, yes i used to have a white doll with which i used to play with, i used to have her but she's gone now... she's gone with all my memories and with all the rememberances of a glorious past, now i'm stuck in the future yeah i'm stuck in the future.... pointless. i'm still a believer, i'm still a believer and yes i'm obsessed.

when i drink my coffee in the morning, i think about my favourite words of love but i'm already glued to my screen; that's why my coffee is never drunk. I listen an endless speech on my mind, my heart and me speak different languages for the time being, and i'm so silent still i talk too much, but if they would know what i'm talking about, if they would just know..........

if they would understand that basically i'm talking about silence and mellancholly, aren't these words of love? well i dont remember because i haven't drunk my coffee, and i've missed the train to work. once i was a runner, once i competed to win, once i was a runner, then i used to believe in freedom and i was taught the only thing i needed just to carry on, i simply loved to depict unexistant love letters from strange anonymous phone calls. i know why he left, i know why he left, he left because we were both adults.

the yearnings are things you can hardly deal with, because a feeling of yearning comes with hopelessness. the yearnings come with the dreams of what never will be, of the days that will never be again. the yearnings are conversations with someone who listens to you out of the pity the lion has for the snake. the yearnings eat you alive, they will eat you alive, i won't let this happen again; i'll be gone before.

there's so much in you, that's why you hate me. we are indeed the same person. look into my eyes and you will see how honest i am; he's not coming back. guess why? because he's not supposed to. call hazan and ask for coffee, we'll discuss it in silence, hang your loneliness in the door and close it; anyway remember we'll never be inside, just stay around and listen to me, we'll argue and we'll cry, but remember; in this tea-room only silence is allowed. without sugar please.

if i were to write the end of this
we would not have an issue in common
light a cigarette and leave me alone

writes period

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

personal note, 3:21 pm

self-obsessions in a sealed metallic room of heaven

i woke up i simply u woke up i can't type full sentences i just can't type full sentences and words are poured full of sense i woke up to the sun this morning i did wake up to the sun this morning certainly i did now i can say i want to say nothing i can't i spoke to you so many times my phone bill surpassed the cost of my purple furniture and you didn't listen you are a girl flying on a plane flying to peru yes you are flying to peru with the old smelly stinky guy by your side you both share pills purple pills red pills yellow pills black pills brown pills blue pills orange pills ocre pills green pills rose pills creamy pills yes you share pills and u can't help it honey where r u going? i asked you many times where r u going? where r u going? don't be surprised i know your flight isn't stopping i know it isn't i know they have no answers for you because you have no voice you have nothing but your purple scarf and your pills i know they have no answers because u cut their tongues in four the plane is flying backward where did you leave your watch honey? where did you left your expensive watch? it's hot inside i know when u fly and never stop it gets hot inside but you are a liar how can u feel hot? if u have nothing but your purple scarf and your pills and invented weltschmerz and reisebegleteren, i told you where to stop but u didn't listen i did tell u where to stop but i didn't expect you to listen because you only have your purple scarf and your pills i'm feeling cold and you simply can't watch out i'm feeling cold now it's so cold down here it's so cold down here ops! it's not down here it's very high here and i can see your plane i can see where you sit i can see everything about me because i'm not here i wasn't here but still i'm feeling cold here i gave you many roadmaps with arrows and shuttles i see your plane is flying backward and u can't find the places on the map i gave your a map with a coordinate line with multiple axes and vortixes and i told u where to stop i know i did and i'm very high tonight very high and i yearn i miss your purple scarf, i was always attracted to mute women i was always attracted to women who can't cry and it's exactly your type u can't cry because u have no eyes because you have no eyes and that's why u can't find the places on the map and how can u believe me when i tell you that the scarf is purple? i just forgot that you don't even know what purple is about....... i'm sorry but i can't give your more directions, but i love you, you know i do love you and i'm still cold here waiting for you even though i'm not here, i was never here and actually we never met. i'm sorry but i can't give you more directions, the place where i am, yeah the place where i am where i told you to go this place where i am for what i gave you direction yeah the place where you are flying to endlessly is not place. it's not place but i love you.

personal note, 2:57 pm

age of machina
age of machine

a little swamp called distance echos surfaces dinning beautiful metallic shores and ages of cobalted sex eyes wide open hesiodus humankind populated waterpills violence is the secret of love endless images squared sights camera light no thing to see far in the distance where were u back then? vaste red greyish sea there's nothing left what can u see? i take my luggage what would u do? promises that you could make up it's too late babe it's too late u didn't listen to me u didn't listen to anyone all the love we had was there with us u were not there you are not the fuck there sucking employee behind tiny expensive4 sun glasses the darkness is to shiny u don't need them anymore look at my eyes and u may find some pain i know u need it we know u need it we know u are a begging fucker u beg for pain there's nothing i can explain because there's nothing underneath get dressed and come with me tonight take no watches with you the time isn't running anymore and tomorrow you don't gotta work can u believe that doors are shut now and u aren't allowed to come back u don't need sun glasses anymore u can take your grief in small tea boxes and smell it out from here i went through all this before u wake up, before u wake up, before u wake up, before u wake before u wake up. (i wrote period), it's nice to see everything from here and i know u thought u could organize freedom and look what you've done how beautiful it looks how beautiful it looks, and u still mind the state, you do mind the state u should have been president but look where you took us, look where you took us, i can see your reflections in small smashed flash outs and shots in the colorful lights u are a peach u r a peach u r a tree and u can't see u r a fucking stupid tree n u can't see u r not even a tree u r a wire a simple wire a damn simple wire i can see your reflections u look so human without your sun glasses pity that u have no longer body pour me a drink please and ask for the bill and go home yes please let's go home please begging fucker take me home do u know where you took us? i see the place doesn't match in the map we are both simple wires and we just can't return we're simple stupid wires i can hear you oh yeah i can hear your voice after so many years i discovered you do certainly have a voice i heard u many times before but u were nothing but you have nothing you were only your sun glasses and your cheap sad discourse about the market, and about that simplistic optimistic and inferior world where you lived, how beautiful you sing when your tongue is cut in 4 and your lips swollen and sewed to your face, well only if u had one but you look so sexy tonight and i hope u can take home you look so sexy tonight and you are taking me home right?