Oh well I'm a bit cheered up from the events of the day although I might say my preoccupations don't easy and they're like antibiotics: they never hurt but one day suddenly kill people. I hope my case will be slightly different....we'll probably be able to get me through this rough period and get me safely into Sweden or even into Iceland, but I really don't know... the future is still uncertain.
But well let's leave that behind, as ministers and government officers seem to be the curse of my life, unfortunately I've never happened to sleep with one but they've indeed taken away from me several nights of sleep with or without companion.
Today is one of those days when my mind is coloured by pink dots if you know what I mean, and no.. no... I'm wearing hills and mama clothes.. I'm just feeling like I must write something about being gay, and probably I owe 90% of the inspiration to Kobi, well... for now you don't know much about Kobi (although probably many of you do) but in the future you will. I'm just trying to fight by all means not to frame him in the gay section of my website neither in my queer talks, for it's not his place.
I wonder what my father would think if he would see what I'm uploading and what I'm using my free time for (and no, he's not in heavens) but still we don't speak the same language, nor we belong to the same religion. In my view, it's wrong to speak the same language than your father or than your neighbour or than anyone else plus it kills the fantasy of awfully spoken non-native English, as we're not so quick to spot other people's mistakes than when they speak our language and the same applies to religion; my biggest complaint about being a Jew is that there're just too many. The mere fact that two people be in the same religion is totally wrong in my view, but my father and I don't have such a problem since we're indeed in different cults. It's probably the only problem we don't have but my father isn't the topic of this blog-note.
I think I wanted to talk a little bit about my gay experience: I think I have something of a twisted and sick gay experience since I never happened to be a party freak but I was in one of the types of freaks indeed, with a totally passive father I developped an almost aggressive character and a very strong sense of independence and I used to spend days after days [absorbed into] almost sexual French novels, symbolist poetry of the overheroicized infant Rimbaud and Justine... such a delicate character... in a France of revolutions, stories of love, passion and pain. That of course didn't constitute my education which was full of Sapho, Plato and Aristotle who apparently have been the most influential gays of all times, not that I'm intending to exaggerate their objects of love and desire in order to justify the perversions seen in Germany and the Netherlands among the gay community in the last decade, but I'm just trying to provoke as should be the rule on an opinionated person like me. It's obvious that those values of love and desire are interpreted differently by the West of today since we based our society upon totems and taboes that we imported from our barbarian origins and that were part of long forlorn mythologies that might concern us in some other opportunity.
It's a kingdom of white gods in armed chariots flying above the sky and I'm trying to be as literal as possible. Those are the antecedents of my gay experience, plus a well learnt conception that homosexuality is something bad and that homosexuals are corrupted individuals that endanger our society with their attitudes; I never came to meet one homosexual (or at least that I knew or could say he was one) until I faces myself altogether with another man, being such one of the strongest experiences of my adolescence which probably forced me to grow up so rapidly, get on a job, go to school and leave home so that I could live a life like those lives lead by the homosexuals shown in the American TV. I don't mean to admire them but listen, I was 15 years old and the world was on my hands so I made the best choices I could within my limited knowledge.
We were all sons of Ally McBeal and Sex & the City and by choice sons of the bitch. And probably we have learnt those prejudices against ourselves from the same sources. The frustration of going against the nature and the insatisfaction of the merciless gay relationships.
Americans say they just can't stick to the same couple for more than a certain period of time; Europeans say they just can't fall in love because it doesn't happen overnight, we can sleep together but it doesn't mean we have to get married and if we do so it's not necessarily out of love. Whereas Israelis are not one and not the other; they're eternally wandering... like waiting for a cab when you've got a cabriolet car; nothing is ever good enough for them... regardless of your sizes, economic position, skin colour, family, profession, income, etc. There's always someone on top of you and that's the fucking eye of the storm.
Whenever I heard fall in love's and I love you's I can't do anything but freak out over my own inability to tackle with feelings in the modern world. And yes, I was made probably to be borne a thousand years ago but funnily enough I fit perfectly this generation: Electronic coffee, sleeping pills, a portable computer that constitutes a third leg and a third arm, lust for isolation, escapism from the pressure, unspeakable days and unthinkable segments of time. When I was born (back in the 80's) there wasn't such a thing as the Internet or mobile phones but they came up just long enough as not to remember it and challenged the course of the future.
I upgraded my boring personality to the virtual requirements which included e-books, a pocket pc, electronic agendas, online banking and other assortments of different flavours, just like the red fish and the herring. My personal development as a gay young man was already highly delimitated by the customs the internet introduced into my society and so I grew up; in a world of free sex and mediatic violence and I learnt to live like that striving to be better than others so that me being just as bitchy as the rest of them wouldn't be looked upon sorely on the ground of my education and talents. It's a very selfish position to find oneself in to say frankly but truth is, I'm not here to tell little fairy tales.
Today I'm almost 20 years old and my father who is older than me only 20 years doesn't know that I'm gay, although I think he does but it's just too hard to accept than I am like one of those weird and sick creatures he used to tell me stories about in the days of my wicked childhood, not that I regret it all.
My point is not to justify myself by being deep in the closet since I think half the world already knows I'm gay not because I'm queerish or because may I wear hills on Friday night, just because it was a personal decission. I'm not the party type, I'm not an activist, I know coercion is there and that fuzzy ladies in a caravan will not be enough to fight it, just like anti semitism.
One good friend used to tell me I shouldn't be surprised since being gay was becoming so fashionable in the world. Is is really fashionable? I think being gay is just as good and bad as being Jewish, listen you have a great time most of your life and you live like half the world wishes to live, but you only have to protect your ass so that they don't screw you royally, and it's not exactly about sex that I'm talking about.
Prejudices against homosexuality are nothing but part of the structure of society itself. I'm myself prejudiced against homosexuality somehow as I'm tired of all those useless queers and Jewish American princesses sitting by the tables in the coffee shops of my city as if there was nothing else to life. Not that heterosexuals are much better but probably this kind of femenine violent criticism and snobism looks a lot worse in men than in women. Against prejudices, Can't I just let gays, men and women live as they please?
The answer is no, because someone has to undertake some kind of criticism that leads towards the creation of a sustainable society. If 25% of the world population and 40% of the masculine population in the United States is infected with AIDS by the year 2040 will we be talking the same shit? Because actually I'm uncertain whether the Scandinavians or the Japanese will be doing any better by then or their environment as for another determinant.
I don't mean to change the world since it's been changed enough times by more than one imbecile and that's how things turned out, but I just enjoy the privilege of the dual perspective from my gay experience.
I don't want to philosophisize about gay life, as Sapho certainly couldn't explain to me the mysteries of Beverly Hills and Seanfield and I don't mean to trouble her trouble mind.
Let's leave this as a simple not orderly talk on genders.
I'm better off going for the fish once more
It's hunting seasons for visas and scholarships and let's not have my father reading this, as we discussed before he and I belong to different faiths and still I can't forget his reaction upon finding out a colleague of his being gay: Oh dear! for God's sake! he's gay!
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