Note

Just one freaking disappointment followed by another one, and another one and yet another one. That's really my autobiography - a long account of heresies, jealousy, egoism and all of it wrapped neatly in a golden chain of disappointment. But there's perhaps no other way, this is what one's summoned for.... this morning I learnt from the Talmud that Rabbi Yochanan says 'Jerusalem was destroyed just because it was judged according to the Laws'; it is perhaps one of the most amazing things I've ever heard. The anger doesn't have a purifying effect anymore so that at most I can only laugh with embarrassment at my lack of care, my lack of interest, my lack of benevolence... and uncelebrate this mad joy of selfnishness. I want to throw it overboard, really... but I know I can't, as long as I can't live with this incredible sadness of disappointment, it is even worse to realize how much I'm unable to function and to be just as much when without them. For now I just owe to keep silent, as silent as a stone... not to feel anything at all and let the time overtake the little difference between the joy and the death, undifferentiated characters from the vantage point of eternity, from the vantage point of salvation. I can't write anymore, not for a few days... Perhaps I can only indulge myself in dreaming and reading, reading, reading... trying to understand, trying to gain some moral selfness as to concern myself with others too, and what makes me really frustrated is how awful I'm at that... my love is always so vain and futile, so useless before life, so unable to build anything, anything at all... but at best I can write nice letters, that perhaps in the end of the day do not reflect at all the inner storm within me, it is not one of purification but rather of utmost violence and aggresivity, tainted only by the times when it all breaks free and I escape the image in the mirror, I see myself loving and living a little bit better, going out of my way to live 'beyond the letter of the law'; and only because I still have some of those images I can truly live in the Biblical sense. I'm still waiting and waiting, for the same damn evening, and no matter how disappointed I get every time, I keep lingering about and waiting... in the end maybe he's right, and it will amount to nothing... but I don't know any other way to exist but this. Even if it amounts to nothing, I did it with faith... and no more than love failed me, I failed him.