For the most I should be delirious with happiness as soon as the sketch for the first work of my life was finished; it was positively complimented by Nigel Tubbs and Thomas Hollweck had but very few objections about it yet now my mind stands empty as if I would have never read a single book that would have illuminated my ideas about as little as the single objects of the world; yet I went through these impasse of madness a few times during the day and then it was followed by the most vexing and cruel tiredness, I was unable to move my limbs and my lips moved only at a certain slow depth, curdling unto themselves, unable to muse thoughts. At the time I only wanted sound to break and time to stop, I felt the effects over my body of a madness that goes well into the physical and psychosomatic. I just feel too much tired to pursue anything and the ever so recurrent and non-fictive idea of illness settled again in the armchair looking at the whole of my life. I would like to stand up for myself all the time again, to have the strength to be always busy with responsibilities but somehow I can´t, I relapse into illness and into what I think is the source of my greatest unhappiness: The vacuous aspect of my thoughts when I just feel at a sudden rush that I´m being emptied out from everything that I´ve thought over the years; my head is absolutely empty and I can´t summon any thoughts for long hours. Time to go back to the fearful origins of my intellectual problems: Kant and Hegel.
Kant: All knowledge comes from experience – “But, though all our knowledge begins with experience, it by no means follows that all arises out of experience”
Kant: “Knowledge a priori is either pure or impure. Pure knowledge a priori is that with which no empirical element is mixed up. For example, the proposition, “Every change has a cause,” is a proposition a priori, but impure, because change is a conception which can only be derived from experience”
Note: My own philosophy if I ever happen to have one will be a “phenomenology of everyday life”. When we are faced with the questions of philosophy there´s so little that can protect us from it, only the imagination perhaps and to imagine is not to condone or reconcile; it is only further evidence of how unprotected we are. The consolation of philosophy is eternity because time is something too hard to bear in thought: It would mean to bear upon all guilt of existence.