Another month begins, more like another year or another life. Maybe at last I will be able to walk through the streets of Bogotá again and not feel like I am going to get killed or running away from the mistakes I made myself. Mathilde should be now in France and everything that my life was at the time is now forgotten; it is only a little bit sorry a situation that it includes all my books and my clothes. I can get new ones whenever the opportunity arise, what I can´t get new is the year that passed during which I did nothing but suffering, and the lovelessness it had. I have begun a moment where there´s a lot more concretion: I´ve set my mind upon theology even though I know it´s so extra limiting but people have to earn their bread, theology is not an enemy or an “other” or a somebody; it is the conceptual opposition of ontological belief. I am still exhausted but I feel so much less exhausted than I used to be all through the previous two or three years. I shouldn´t be sorry too much about time, perhaps it is now that happiness could start, even if it is a happiness that cleaves toward the grave. Josh clarified to me something very important: The whole point of our Talmudic theology was to keep Jews from intermarriage, the Merryl Streep theology. That´s why they couldn´t handle Rosenzweig and Levinas, thus I could begin to think objectively that they are as misled and contemptible as the Christians of the same generation, by no means all Jews, only those who stayed behind the panes of oblivion and indifference. There´s so much you couldn´t learn in the yeshiva, so said Josh, and he is right: You couldn´t learn about religion, history, the holy languages, the Bible. I would insist upon the point that we did learn a methodology but without content whatsoever or a clue of what we´re supposed to do with it. I keep thinking about Judaism all the time and I would like to line out a system that doesn´t contain the word Jew, the same way that the Bible or Rosenzweig wouldn´t. I´m so glad not to know what I want to do in life, there´s so much I can yet try. Life will be somewhat paralyzed for the whole month until I know whether I will be able to land in Jerusalem once again or if I should just proceed with life as if nothing happened, but I´m hopeful for Jerusalem, I think I can make it happen, I am ready. This time will be so much more radical than anything else before because I might not have to starve, so I will have enough time to live this beautiful life and to love many men and to see many nights in the East, to be a parvenu and also a homeless little man. I wonder if Jerusalem remembers me, there are just too many people who have failed to meet to her demands so that she might not recall them very well.
The Neo-Kantian avoidance of ontological questions is necessarily ambiguous: Idealistic and Materialistic.
Zizek on Hegel: “In this sense, the post-Hegelian turn to concrete reality, irreducible to notional mediation, should rather be read a desperate posthumous revenge of metaphysics, as an attempt to reinstall metaphysics, albeit in the inverted form of concrete reality”.
Why not Germany or Austria? Am I being weak or just plain realistic? Am I able to tell the Christians that I am a Catholic in order to get a scholarship? Of course I am, I want to go to Trumau not only because of the school as such, I want to stroll in the wineries with beautiful gentlemen and to have the president of the Jewish community ask me out for dinner. It seems that still at this age I keep dreaming that everything is still possible. Yes, I can lie about my religion but I am not as delusional as to believe what I say. If anything I envision a secular world, even if it´s not the kind of world in which I might want to live in, not at all. Maybe I am still too young to obtain from life what I´m demanding, especially on the personal level, but I hope that by the time it arrives I will be still virile enough to take pleasure in it, but if Konstantin could, there´s no reason why I couldn´t. I have to write to the ITI tomorrow anyway, I wouldn´t be missing much if I get or don´t get an answer from them, you just have to make sure that you tried everything. But then since it is already June it would be a relief to know I could as well get to Jerusalem on January, that if I didn´t have to wait a full month to hear whether I will get the fellowship or not and in case I don´t, well, then it´s going to be a hell of a long year. I´ve set my mind on Nottingham, but I will try all the other schools because at this point I should know that anything that shall arise, has been heaven-sent, especially as a imprecation for those of us who don´t believe in heaven or hell when we sleep with our beloved ones and make love to them, whilst still praise to the non-god god whenever we want to get academic fellowships to go to Jerusalem. My view of things is definitely Jewish, but my theology is still Christian and not even Enlightenment Christian, just plain pietistic. But this is not something that worries me now; the only important thing is to actually do one´s work, to have a work to show for oneself, even a work you´re not happy about it. The deadline for the fellowship has closed and I turned in everything, now a month of torture until the final decision and it is important to wait because it is my first fellowship application. This weekend a soirée with Sandra and Milena, next weekend hopefully off to the countryside for a whole week I hope. I will have to bring a lot of tuna and alcohol perhaps. I want to see again what the nature actually is. Perhaps it will be a great place to read Hegel and Schelling. Not Kant, Kant I must read from tomorrow. In the city, over coffee and horns and cigarettes, from the first moment on I knew I´d hate Kant.