Things I kind of regret (but I will never admit to it): Coming back from Israel, the rupture of my friendship with Leslie, sleeping with Ariel Levy, having moved in with María Clara and having left her without saying good-bye to Patricia, losing my job with Ana María (only because of how much I liked her), not writing more.
Odd: Pablo completely ignored my request for spiritual guidance in the Catholic faith; maybe does he fear some kind of Simone Weil attitude? I should try to read into the signals, but it´s still too early. Yet, I was perplexed… How could he at all miss on the opportunity to win a Jew for the faith? I think my inclination to Christianity has nothing to do with faith; it is more something about my (homo)sexuality and my obscure philosophical ambitions. It would be too superficial to say that there´s no place for this in Judaism, the problem is only that Judaism admits no idea of theology. My inclination toward contemplation is not natural either, because I am some sort of a hedonist… This has to do more with my inability to live in the world than with my desire to exclude myself from it. My religious zeal has often much to do with creating very strong passionate lasting bonds with people –at what I´ve miserably failed so badly through the whole of my life with very few exceptions, and this hasn´t in anyway diminished my willingness. I heard Sontag today talking about all the time one needs to digest one´s own experience, I can only sympathize: Today for example I remembered how I met Yoav Itamar years back in Ramat Gan at a bus stop and how our friendship grew; the depression that slowly eroded his mental health until he collapsed in my lap; I remember those day with glee, but they weren´t by any means happy. Then I also remembered the blond seminar student I met at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, and the e-mail he sent me years later. I wonder if I kept it. In this case the same was true: Desire blended in with faith. These memories are now happy souvenirs from previous lifetimes even, and now they possess the strength they failed to deliver back then to my mind. I´m such a Christian in that my resolution to abhor the present is reckless, and I am not sorry for that, but I do know it is great philosophical mistake and my whole thought project If there ever be one, is to absolutely run counter to my own mind. I will not understand.
I seem to be a little hooked on fluoxetine but it´s been only a couple of days. It seems almost on a daily basis I will need 40 mg, at least for the time being. I wonder how long I will be on this, I am not so good for this kind of dope but to be honest, at present I can´t still pick myself up and need the most help I can get even to wake up from bed. Happy memories visit me often, and that´s nice, maybe it means I´ll be able to write again. Actually I´m writing already but it´s not enough yet to make me feel alive again; perhaps I do need some booze, but above all, I need some love, to love love.
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