I hate these personal notes, because they often turn out sort of kitschy and one doesn't know what to do with it; beyond that also being a "Lessingian" at the top of my forces I prefer to keep that silent distance between myself and the world as to make sure a world will exist even in the aftermath of thinking. My mind wanders through slies in mani-fold directions, and even when I managed to focus on the study of Greek for almost a whole day today I almost lost the continuity, yet it isn't alarming because it's still too early in the day.
Books remain open 24/7 but hardly ever completed, and it's really more of a concentration problem than one of lack of intellectual skills. The question of Being in its "thrownness" seems to be rather unavoidable for me, at the centre of all my metaphysical inquiries but the violence of this thrownness and its implications in the worldly world of Men seems to distract me even more and such as the originally intended "Dasein" I'm driven into politics in an almost animal fashion, but certainly one quite different from my teacher on ontology and anything Greek and thought of as lofty and belonging to the realms of the spiritual causes. I become a traitor.
In anycase my life's been surrounded by many different acts of betrayal, so that it couldn't even be termed theatrical anymore, even when there's plenty of that too. I don't cease reading S. Zweig and enlightening my already radically rotten views of the worlds of celebrities and intellectuals. My disdain for anything intellectual keeps growing adrift just like anything European. I seem to be in that so typically Arendtian position to support and forcefully explicate anything among whose aims there's clearly an irrational desire to anhiliate my very existence or at least to make it quite unendurable with toils that wouldn't have been too familiar to our fellow Greek citizens and Athenian "polites". The conflict of interests with Marxist underdogs doesn't seem to have changed at all, and our "analytical" words just become an echoed veil of our failure.
I'm constantly driven by my freedom into the mightiness of the Ocean, as to re-experience the world and recover it but such is the vertigo that comes with the fall that every so often I just seek refugee in those houses of security that exclude the nausea. The Feast of Fools. Those notions are irreparably connected to my whole perception of reality, the necessity to have an spiritual world, a world above... so that this one below can continue existing. This one anyway would certainly not cease to exist had we obliterated the one above, but it would be a return to the mankind of the pre-Biblical world. I don't reject the enterprise of Ontology, nor I pretend to radically take away from a world already old its traditions and heritages, because in them it contains also its pasts and willy-nilly living "Rei". I just call for a "recognition" of this Biblical world-view. I won't develop this here, it might take me some 20 years to really know what I'm talking about. In the meantime I can utmost comment on boring philosophical texts.
Just to "top" an electronic endeavour this morning. Chatting endlessly with an Israeli soldier, and observing his naked pics. Then as a typical dweller of the anti-world scheduling an appointment for base raw casual sex. I wasn't that attracted to him really, who apparently seemed all too uninteresting and unbefitting for my categories of acquaintances and midnight lovers. But the age... the damn age; he fares 21 summers which is one more than me. I don't know how to really explain this but once you get over the 20ish threshold and start counting up then you look at your body and feel you skin with a different kind of feeling, it's some sort of self-directed desire at that stage right in between your masculinity and some vestiges of childlishness and boyhood. Then you start dreaming of yourself younger as though the years would start being spared on you, it's just melodrama but it constitutes an instense sort of feeling.
In that burgueois and morally astray world one can't help but go along the lines of the human condition by thinking "not to have is the beginning of desire". That's why we all sophisticated people yearn for the fireman and the cop and the baker, notions that are an absurdity in every possible respect.
That's how I led myself into it. It's a pity because it turns my whole thinking enterprise into an arbitrary nothingsness for which one could only find counsel in Kundera. I'm really a citizen of the anti-world and unfortunately that's the only world where I've ever been at home. In my vindictive endeavour my little fighting soldier refuses to have sex in the end because I'm a so-called "Pro-Arab". I've never trusted the right-wing (in particular the Israeli with its religious affiliations) to have much intellectuality or common sense, practically I acuse them of living in a world where gut feelings and subjectivity (attacking it in a most Heideggerian fashion) equals consciousness and possibiliti-ness. I've just NEVER trusted the right-wing, and because I have some quite clear ideas about what it means to be Jewish in a wider historical context beyond "Israeli" politics I have by proxy to affiliate myself with the Left and the values of liberalism and relativism even, because I'm bound by the Biblical Relevation... the ultimate atheistic anti-churchy propaganda and relativization of values.
That was really the ridiculous top of the mountain. Plus being such a political animal and "Polis" dweller like myself I can't understand how those "provincial" types that still read Jane Austin and the Brontee's can dare to bring together their political views as an underdog for what they shove up their asses. It is quite a sorry situation because these days not only our political views decide our nationalities and exiles, but they also decide our nights out and the number of "longpigs" we can swallow per year.
This is written in a decidedly profane and rather vulgar language because one can't help the outrage before such events. "Event" in a Heideggerian fashion: Moment of Care, temporality. That's just a comment in the side with a rather cinemetographic mimesis. Funny enough Israel boils with right-wing and rather fascist queers which truly remind me of some other country a while back, but I can't tell you the name of the country. I can't write anything attacking the IDF or the Israelis or Zionism.
It's forbidden to me by my very own conscious objection. This morning I just read some sites from the American National Socialist Party and their endless links to Western newspapers and the endless accusations against this "poor" country, which isn't really any poor. I've lived here for about three years or more and I know things aren't really that pink, but one gets used to it even despite himself. Then I took a glimpse at Human Rights Watch and their disastrous anti-Israeli propaganda all signed by a very fine and well-educated American Jewish lady. Then you wonder if maybe she herself received scholarships sponsored with Saudi money at the finest American colleges and quite exceedingly profited from a "liberal" education that "obviously" isn't available to those that just sit not idly and gather more books than any college student might have ever read. They were too busy with bareback and fraternity issues such as the drinker of the week and the ass of the month. I won't see myself quoted by anybody for the purpose of polit-ichs.
My soldier friend can continue living in that ideal world of binary systems. Fortunately I've scheduled an American leftie for Saturday night. Next thing will be that somebody will refuse to bring you coffee because you believe in God or to provide you medical care because you don't wear the 2007 Mecca Gay World Pride Parade shirt. I think the Bible warned us about this a little bit, Freedom is really a form of Totalitarianism when let too much free, just like poor old Truth.
In other fronts; academia: My state of indecision is helpless.... my options are really studying philosophy with teachers I can't quite respect in a shabby university. Then there's across the sea a world of options. I've considered the following: Classics (Greek & Latin), Theology, Arabic (with Akkadian or German), Akkadian & Greek, Politics. I can't make up my mind.