Saturday, October 02, 2004

Index of the week

The following notes must be finally get published this week:

1. Sankt Gallen, a note about my place of birth in the Swiss alps. I don't really know much about the place other than a few particular details which aren't so difficult to know. I want to do some reading on the history of Sankt Gallen but specially on the urban landscapes. The milieu of Sankt Gallen will possitively determine facts about the personality of this Harry Goldstein, the recreation of this character doesn't really thrill me but I think he also deserves some space here, one of my old faces.

2. Harry Goldstein, there is an unfinished note called "Tea & Milk" about some sympathetic scene in the life of Harry Goldstein, his contradictions and specially his hidden religious life. The topic of the note is "traditions", how much I fight with them, at times embrace them. Too complicated, Harry will explain.

3. Hummm I got to write something for the journalist, or about the journalist, whatever. A thing this will release my anger a little bit and also get me out of the latest movie, which isn't any good. I'm in a very "conclusive" mood and is no good at all, I think I enjoy more my quasi-fatalist existentialist days, but I think it's just out of this unbearable sadness. The journalist is totally not the issue, I think the issue is everything else around. Hummm... I'm not so sure about it actually, there are some issues but they're not worth the trouble, and if they're I believe they're just a perfect driveaway for a very nice note about gay life and Israel. Maybe the continuation (or end) of my note about the gay European Jew and the gay Israeli Jew.

4. Phoebus and the Night, hummm this note has to be retrieved somehow. I believe I've gathered enough material to break through my linguistic challenges and bring this note back to life. I'm totally convinced it's good material. However I want to shift the main idea from ideology into sensuality. Into the newfound sensuality, my latest personal discoveries. Unfortunately most of what I'm writing at the moment is very autobiographic, but it doesn't really look like, only what's in between the lines would reveal the true nature of my characters. I believe over the next few years as my knowledge, experience and welfare improves their personalities will be better understood, they'll be more human and less flat, less tragic. That doesn't apply to some of them though, I really wonder what will be of Isobel in those 10 years I want to talk about, the Sotah was a refreshing brainstorming all through. Will go back to it later.

5. Naomi Ragen, I owe to send her a letter. That might a good start for something else, the metaphor of "sift" is probably one of the most interesting features in the book, when I come to think about it I think I should re-read the second half of the book, I probably missed many points. I want to find the chapters where Faigie Reich was so wonderfully depicted, I found it so inspirational. I need to retrieve. Maybe my note will be a bit too flat, maybe not. I'm not really hyper-verbal tonight, thank goodness it's not Friday.

6. Amos Oz, I think I'll re-read some chapters of the book "4 meals", reading Naomi Ragen showed me that I do really have an overall interest for Jewish literature, mind I didn't say Hebrew, but Jewish. I have a little book with his poems, I'll start brushing up my Hebrew that lately is just as poor as my English, I don't seem to lack of grammar knowledge at all but I just don't know enough words to express myself with accuracy. Maybe some translations into English of his poems will see the light in these pages at anytime soon. There's this other book of his I had in Hebrew back then in South America right before my trip here, I saw in the newspaper the book has just been published in English by some British editor, it's just awfully expensive but I want it and I'll have it! As far as Shira goes, I think I'll finish it but I didn't really like it, although there're pintoresque chapters, nothing like Oz though. Besides that, I truely dislike Herbst, as usual I end up sympathizing with the wives only, but Henrietta is pretty stupid to my taste, and Shira is not less. I also have some little reader, there might be interesting stuff there too. I think my fetish to have a pretty high-leveled Hebrew is one of those I'll really have to pursue if I want to develop any of my ideas at all.

7. Bible lessons, this actually follows the previous two. I have this urge to investigate my roots a bit more, to learn, to look inside myself. I'm fascinated by the topic of religion, in particular of Judaism. I can claim even I know much better the Greek mythology than I know the Bible, and it doesn't make me feel any good. I want to crawl into it, to ask questions, to understand the "sift" metaphor from a different depth. I've been specially fascinated by the topic of religious women in Judaism, there's something pitiable about them, something enviable as well. I'm very confused about those thoughts and they are just growing stronger and haunting me at night, haunting me in my thoughts. Somethings that deeply moves me and I want to understand it, I want to look deep down into it. I have the language half-way and lots of abstracted thoughts, sentences, books I've read, little experiences but I want to embrace it all. I might start studying the Bible, this week I'll start and from scratch, it really scares me. I don't know why.

8. Political letter, needless to explain, the letter that will save my life. I really mean it. I'm a writer, I've used my hyper-verbalization to win hearts, to destroy feelings, to conquer my dreams. Why wouldn't I be able to use it now to save my life?

9. Islam, this doesn't really trouble me but it should by default be included in my philosophical system, as I undertook the task to talk about the clash of civilizations, about the meaning of history. It's truely fascinating. This shouldn't constitute a note as yet but a talk I have to give in less than 12 hours!!!!! And I'm still wasting my time blogging. Go figure.

10. Again back to Naomi, "Chesed" and the "epilogue" of Sotah must be the driving force for another note about myself, a foresight. That's all, experimental kind of. Putting myself in the eyes of one of my lovers and look at myself in the future. Nice, eh? I just stepped into my room, it's so beautiful... how much I like it! The smell... the memories, I don't know... there's something to it. Wait till the note comes through. You'll see.

Something really troubles me about this index, I pretend to write all those "little" notes in something like a week, yet I don't seem to find by far enough time to read even the newspaper; I'll probably need a couple of lives altogether to pursue one of those topics in full, that in the case I'm not wasting any time with love affairs, depressions, storms, bureaucracy, etc. It's pretty frustrating actually, when will I have the time to read all those books? To write all those letters? To go to so many classes? That knowing I'm finally focusing on something, not to mention the Classics, Law School, etc. Oh well, let me sink into the axes of time, something might come out of it, no?


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